I've decided it's going to have to be okay for me to have a bad day. I think it's the only way I'm going to make it through all of this without having a mental breakdown. I've put a tremendous amount of pressure on myself to be positive, determined, strong, and consistent, but the reality of the situation is that sometimes it's just hard to do that every single day.
Today I'm giving myself permission to feel overwhelmed. To feel afraid. To feel frustrated. To cry. To worry about how in the world I'm going to find the tenacity to work, go to school, parent four children effectively, and find some sliver of time for my husband and for myself when we have limited financial resources and no family near to help. In a nutshell, I'm scared. Hudson's challenges, needless to say, are not the only stress factors in our life, but they're going to have to be pretty forefront right now.
I put my head down on the stairs at Hudson's feet today and cried as he was wrapping up a verbal onslaught against me and a fierce physical altercation with his bedroom door. I know it makes me weak--and it probably undermines the stability and security I'm working so hard to give him--but in that moment, I felt so lost and overcome that it just happened. I wonder how many days I'll have like this and how evident it will be to all of my kids even when I'm putting on my bravest face and sunniest voice. Most of all I worry how my slip-ups will impact them. It's just the beginning, and I have to believe it's going to get easier. I miss my family support system more than ever right now, but I've just got to come to grips with the fact that it's on us to make this work and make it work well. Please continue to cheer for us and pray for us, especially on days like today.