Thursday, July 26, 2012

Day by Day

I've decided it's going to have to be okay for me to have a bad day.  I think it's the only way I'm going to make it through all of this without having a mental breakdown.  I've put a tremendous amount of pressure on myself to be positive, determined, strong, and consistent, but the reality of the situation is that sometimes it's just hard to do that every single day. 

Today I'm giving myself permission to feel overwhelmed. To feel afraid. To feel frustrated. To cry. To worry about how in the world I'm going to find the tenacity to work, go to school, parent four children effectively, and find some sliver of time for my husband and for myself when we have limited financial resources and no family near to help.  In a nutshell, I'm scared.  Hudson's challenges, needless to say, are not the only stress factors in our life, but they're going to have to be pretty forefront right now.

I put my head down on the stairs at Hudson's feet today and cried as he was wrapping up a verbal onslaught against me and a fierce physical altercation with his bedroom door.  I know it makes me weak--and it probably undermines the stability and security I'm working so hard to give him--but in that moment, I felt so lost and overcome that it just happened.  I wonder how many days I'll have like this and how evident it will be to all of my kids even when I'm putting on my bravest face and sunniest voice.  Most of all I worry how my slip-ups will impact them.  It's just the beginning, and I have to believe it's going to get easier.  I miss my family support system more than ever right now, but I've just got to come to grips with the fact that it's on us to make this work and make it work well.  Please continue to cheer for us and pray for us, especially on days like today.


  1. You are a wonderful Mother and doing a fantastic job raising you children. With everything your family has been through. There is nothing wrong with you having a little cry now and then.

    You and Jason need some alone time, after the kids are in bed and asleep. Walk out on the porch and have some over due quite time. Talk about something other than the kid, just enjoy each other company.

    Hudson is facing a very difficult road ahead of him, and does not know how to deal with all he feels. It will take time but, he knows you and Jason love him very much and Hudson does not hate you, he is not sure how to handle this emotion.
    I think you need to take each child individually and have a day to themselves. Make them feel special and not left out. Especially Hudson.
    We love you and think of you often. My prayers are with you and your family.

  2. I have allowed myself to be vulnerable in front of my children too. It is okay. Hudson needs to know you get overwhelmed just like he does sometimes. Take it from a chicka to a chika that knows life is good, difficult and overwhelming sometimes.... I love you.

  3. In Proverbs, the Lord describes the godly woman. In this chapter there is a godly promise that if a godly woman prayerfully and diligently responsibilities in her home, her children and her husband will rise up and call her blessed. Proverbs 31:27–28 "She looketh well to the ways of her household, And eateth not the bread of idleness. Her children arise up, and call her blessed; Her husband also, and he praiseth her." I know that you are doing your God's honest best by your family and it may not happen until your children are grown and have children of their own, but your children are going to thank you for your hard work, patience, and love that you showed in times when they weren't very loving! Prayerfully Yours, Uncle Bubba