Do you ever feel like you've lost your mojo? Not the Austin Powers kind of mojo but the zest that sort of sets your personality apart. I've felt like that for the past few weeks. I've had writer's block, and when I've written anything, it has just seemed bland and boring. There are two possibilities. Possibility one is that my kids have behaved too well for the last month, thus offering me very little inspiring material with which to poke fun at myself. Ha! Or possibility two is that I've let this blog (and my fledgling writing career in general) become a crucial component of my self-esteem. As a result I've sometimes hesitated before writing what I truly think or feel for fear of offending someone.
When I wrote the blog about vaccinations, I worried I would offend the moms who opted not to vaccinate their kids at all or elicit eye rolls from those who believe in sticking to the vaccination schedule without exception. Whenever I include references like Austin Powers that have just a hint of inappropriate innuendo (which my very immature sense of humor finds hilarious), I worry I'll offend my more conservative friends who mean so much to me. Showing who we truly are is sometimes difficult, and being proud of who we are is even harder. Sometimes what I want to do is vehemently and impulsively express myself, but age (and a reserved husband) has taught me to filter much of what I say and temper it with diplomacy and tact.
Don't get me wrong. Diplomacy and tact should never be underrated. I would say I'm a much better version of myself than the girl in her twenties who sometimes let a brash, overly passionate personality and bold determination to succeed get in her own way. In learning tact I've gained a bit of dignity I didn't really possess back in the day. I once called a woman who interviewed me twice for a PR position I wanted so badly and tearfully implored her to tell me why she chose another candidate over me. Very awkward and embarrassing, even now when I look back on it.
It's completely egocentric for me to assume any of you is interseted in what I have to say and even more so for me to assume you have noticed the shift in my writing. So for those who follow my blog and support my writing, I thank you. I'm letting all of you into my weird little world and opening myself up to the possibility I won't please everyone with what I have to say. This is not an easy task for a former sufferer of crippling insecurity. Yeah, former. That's the word I'm tentatively going with. In order to take back my mojo, I'm going to try and stop worrying so much about pleasing everyone and embrace my true, quirky, dorky, slightly (sometimes not so slightly) inappropriate view of the world and write without overthinking.
The truth is I hope to show it's possible to be a loving mom who tries really hard but is far from a perfect parent, a Christian who relies on my faith to guide me through all situations, a grown woman with the sense of humor of a twelve-year-old boy, a wife madly and passionately in love with her delicious husband, a fiercely loyal friend who loves without judging, and a Baptist who enjoys a good cocktail every now and then all at the same time. We're all conundrums struggling to love and embrace who we are without guilt, and I'm no different. In seeking to accept myself for the complicated mess I am rather than constantly striving (and falling short) to be who I think people want me to be, I hope my writing can be something that flows freely from me again. I want to write because I love it instead of writing because I want people to love me.