When you become a mom, there are certain transitions you may be slow to make or accept. Below please find my first installment of completely unprofessional guidelines for mom etiquette.
1. Stop buying your shorts at Abercrombie and American Eagle. Moms should not be wearing booty shorts. I'm not saying go walk-shorts or go home. I'm just saying you should be able to crouch or bend over to tend to your child without fear your cheek might slip out.
2. Be prepared to cross your legs quickly if you should have to cough or sneeze. Your bladder competency just ain't what it used to be, sistah, and it's not likely to ever bounce back. Wanna do kickboxing? Better wear a Poise pad. Wanna jump up and down and cheer like a crazy woman for your kid at the Little League game? Better stick to waving your arms wildly. If you resist this unfortunate side effect of motherhood, better carry an extra pair of drawers with you for life's little surprises.
3. Perfect the art of the "ninja poop." Gone are the days of making like a man and sitting on the throne reading a magazine until your feet fall asleep. Unless you want to court disaster by leaving your children unattended for too long or risk having Junior walk in on you mid-wipe, you might want to figure out how to take care of business in two minutes or less.
4. Get a phone that has texting capabilities. No one wants to talk to a mom who is stopping mid-sentence every ten seconds to break up a fight or wipe a kid's backside. A mom on the phone is a magnet for attention-seeking little ones. Texting and Facebook are beautiful things because they allow moms to stay connected without subjecting themselves or those on the other line to the chaos of corralling kids. Just don't text and drive. It's dangerous and you'll get a big fat ticket.
5. Love your mommy muffin. I'm sorry, ladies. There is likely to always be a little patch of skin (no matter how thin you are) at the base of your belly that just didn't quite get the memo to go back to normal once baby made his debut. Tucking that pooch is a fine art--learn how to perfect it so that you can work with it instead of against it.
Go rock being a mom today, my friends! Just make sure your shorts are long enough not to be considered a creepy mommy version of bloomers.