Below please find the second installment of my unprofessional guidelines for mommy etiquette. Be sure to take a look at today's earlier blog for guidelines 1-5.
6. Bring the girls out to play in appropriate settings. Extreme cleavage is for date night or open bar wedding receptions, not the neighborhood barbeque or your kid's soccer practice. It's bad enough I have to deal with my four-year-old groping my boobs at basketball practice--now you want me to field questions about why yours are spilling out of your top? Respect the girl code when it comes to husbands, too, and don't provide an open invitation for my man to ogle more of your body than you should really be exposing. Yes, it makes us a little insecure, but more than that, it makes us sad that you're so insecure.
7. While we're on the subject of boobs, give yourself a permission slip to buy a nice, mildly expensive bra to combat the laws of physics. Even if you have to roll them up and tuck them in to your $70 bra, at least you can enjoy the illusion of your pre-baby boobs. Every mom looks better in her T-shirt when her breasts aren't grazing her navel.
8. Stop trying to win the battle of whose job is harder. Unless he's a stay-at-home dad, he doesn't get it. He really does work his tail off, too. It's just that he gets to do so while listening to what he wants to on the radio, peeing and pooping in private, and showering every morning. I envy these things--not his stress level. Do, however, request him to refrain from asking you to locate his clean underwear in the morning. It just makes you feel like a maid and mom to an adult child.
9. Tell another mom in a polite way when she: a) has a massive cliffhanger in her nose. b) has lipstick on her teeth. c) still has the spinach from her lunctime salad in her teeth two hours later (okay, fine the cheeseburger from her lunchtime Happy Meal). d) accidentally tucks her skirt or shirt into her panties on her quick trip to the bathroom. e) is calling a kid or another mom by the wrong name. Honesty tempered with tact is always the best policy in a potentially embarrassing situation for a mom.
10. Save your Mama Drama for your closest friends. Discussing your finances, the court order you recently received, or your strange and persistent rash with the other random moms at kindergarten orientation might make people feel a little uncomfortable. I'm pretty much an open book, but even I know to only divulge certain facts to my Mom Council.